January 15, 2009 - One direction or the other

"I'm a delightful, gentle beauty with a lovely smile. I seek all that's good, and I'm well-balanced."


I once had a bear that came with a pair of pajamas that said that when you pressed its tummy. It was supposedly the mantra of a Libra, and both the bear and I, in the pajamas, wore a balanced scale to claim that Libra-ness. That little statement might be true: I like to think I'm a delightful, gentle beauty though some days I have my doubts. But, the part about being well-balanced that damn bear forgot to mention is that while I can make quick, fantastic, good, stick-like-glue decisions on certain things, I can worry other things to death, scared to tip the scale in one direction or the other. Usually it's little things. Today it's something bigger.

Here's the deal. I LOVE my job. LOVE it! Most days I would do this job for free, that's how much I love it. I'd have to be completely supported by a rockingly wealthy husband so that I could do that, but I would. So being faced with the possibility that at the end of the year I might not have my job is scary.

I knew coming into this job that at the end of 2009 it would change. But when you accept a job in the middle of 2007, the end of 2009 is eons away. Not so much anymore. And I didn't know then that we'd be in the middle of a crap economy when I needed to start thinking about things. In fact, that crappy economy has impacted the job in a lot of ways and has absolutely influenced my need to think about it already, as opposed to a little later in the year. So it's not a complete surprise that I need to make some plans. The surprise lies in that the solution might be back where I started: Nebraska.

The job that I want (my boss's job), the job that I have been gearing up to take if my boss leaves for a new position with a project we've been working on since I arrived, is open. But it's open in Omaha. It's possible that the same position will be open in Kentucky at the end of the year, when my position either reverts to part-time, or is eliminated entirely because of the economy, but that's a guessing game. And in the meantime, that same position is open in a place where I have friends, family (plusses and minuses both), and that I sometimes (though not necessarily when it's in negative digits) miss. So the question becomes: Do I, in what seems a crazy turn of events, actually look back and consider a job in Nebraska when, almost three years ago exactly, I started planning my escape?

Someone suggested that I make a pro and con list. And I could do that, but it's really just a balancing of the Libra scales. And it will only lead me to overanalyze to the point where up starts looking like down, and left starts to resemble right. Maybe what I really need to do is just apply and see what happens. Live life now with the same blind faith that I have so far, believing that what's supposed to be will be.

Of course, any advice is welcome.

Random thoughts:

1. Do you remember that sense of excitement you got when your mom or dad picked you up from school when you weren't expecting it? Why aren't there simply joys like that in adulthood?

2. How is it possible that there are enough "Snapped" episodes for Oxygen to fill an entire day with them and not repeat?

3. There can never be enough orange juice for me to drink. It's like the nectar of the gods.